awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
