Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
