I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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