I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
