This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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