My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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