God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
