yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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