I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
