I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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