Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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