I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
