Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
