when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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