I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I want to make a zoo with you.
too bad you live with your parents still
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize