I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
