He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
