if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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