Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
