oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
