when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Is Oprah even human
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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