I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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