I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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