I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm like, not good at living.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
