i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
