We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
