I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
