Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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