i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
