What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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