I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
