Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
This is the high leading the old right now
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
