Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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