I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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