i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
