Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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