I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize