Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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