Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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