I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
