you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We left an ass print on the piano.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You left your phone here
Wait...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
