Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize