can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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