thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
