I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I checked into jail on foursquare
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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