She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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