Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize