I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
