Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
