No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
