Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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