I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
