i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
