Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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