I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
