I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
