We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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