You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
