i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
