My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
