she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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