Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
