I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
