I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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