I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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